I kinda saw this coming.

My oldest son is in jail tonight. My younger one and I went to dinner at the home of some very dear family friends. During the evening, we discussed my older sons recent change in behavior, and how it was affecting us. Our friends, as good people do, offered their support and assistance if it should be needed. We ate, and spoke of many other things.

It was only later that I was informed by my neighbor, J-boy,  who checked the jail roster and found my son there. The funny thing was, word was only traveling to be on the look-out for my old boy because of his odd recent behavior, and the fact that he had left the house with a BB gun and a knife. My younger son had decided to tell me about the knife. I didn't know about that part. Yes, I knew my son was leaving the house with a BB gun. I apologize. I thought he was going down to the park or the beach to shoot it off. He has been acting really strange and hiding in his room. I thought it was a good thing for him to go outside for a bit. I didn't know I needed to pat him down first. Of course, had I touched him, he would have FLIPPED OUT!

He has been yelling at nothing. Literally... nothing. In rooms all alone, he is yelling obscenities and half-baked sentences. At no one. I only do that when I am REALLY pissed off. Usually, it's my way of talking myself down. It only seems to wind him up, and the spiral doesn't go anywhere. Like he's on an escalator, walking in the wrong direction. Yelling, lunging, screaming, punching upward; but there is never anything there. He seemed sad before it started, and resolute when he walked out the door last night.

On a Sunday evening by the beach.

I am watching a fun new reality show, "The Curse of Oak Island" on the History Channel.  Preview Glenn and I have found that we have numerous common hobbies. The brothers on that show have found the perfect big project that combines the passion for their hobbies and the best aspects of their personalities. One is the dreamer, the other is always watching the bottom line; the treasure hunter. Here's a Review that I found to be fairly accurate, although it put a negative tone on the slow pace of the show. I rather liked it. It's good late night, mind-meandering television. I like hearing stories from old men and hunting for treasure with metal detectors, and I felt I could appreciate the depth of the show. If you can't, don't watch it.

I have to say though, I would rather watch these two brothers and the old men and a bunch of buddies digging holes and playing in the mud than watch this one that is one now ANY day - another one about Alaska on Discovery. For a guy who hated living there, my honey sure likes watching shows about the stupid ice pit. I lived in North Dakota. That doesn't mean I love buffalo. Actions speak louder than words, man... you loved Alaska! (He really hated it, I'm just trying to get him to comment on my blog.)

I shared that bit of insight with the one I love, so we have moved on to the Travel Channel. One may be asking themselves why I am making a point of noting the channel these shows are on. I have become accustomed to the new age of television viewing: Streaming. I only rarely see cable any more. When I do, I remember how much a like my Hulu and NetFlix.

How about those Marfa lights?

Have I mentioned that my man might be taking off to Texas soon? Opportunity is knocking, and he is cautiously peeking through the door. He has been working really hard, helping to set up a company that just got reconfigured and is set to re-launch in two days. Them are the facts. I really don't have any feelings about it yet. Mostly because it isn't for sure yet, and I have far too many things that are actually occurring that I can spend my energy on.

I missed therapy last week, and at least one day of my meds. Other than that, I am feeling irritated at my kids, but really very hopeful that they are going to straighten out soon. I have clear goals as far as how I want to see our relationships in the future, and as long as I keep those images in my head and remember to be firm while I can so they will be strong when I'm not there; I think everything will turn out alright.

That's my thoughts for tonight... now that it's the next day.

Finally... the pictures!

   I love bonfires.

A bonfire on the New Year was so fitting, and fun! I told everyone that I wanted them to e-mail me attachments, or tag me in photos from that night. I got one the next day... it took my boyfriend until tonight when I was sitting here next to him, complaining about only having one picture that night, that he remembered he had four more!

Current dilemmas

First off; I am not the most descriptive or well-composed writer when I've had a wee nip of the Devil's nectar. Boy, do I think I'm deep. Funny and philosophical, too. I made it through the night with only minor scrapes and bruises, and had fun doing it. The bonfire was lovely.

Talk about being easily distracted, it is now after 1 in the afternoon, and I started writing this about 3 hours ago. I have been looking for the picture of the bonfire that my friend put up on facebook. Now my boyfriend is here, and I need to get ready to go. I will post more from the Devil's Punchbowl.

(Yeah... that's how I roll!)

What's going on.

I can't stop laughing. My boyfriend is to my right, my treasured friend is to my left, and profanities are flying! We have all been drinking, the new yew year has\ begun. I am listening to my boyfriend spout off names that I have never heard, telling stories about places I have never seen. I love it. The night is about to come to come to an end, but it has been amazing. He is showing her his guitar now... gotta go....

Happy New Year!!!

I was racing up the hill with reason, and I simply MUST tell you why. I was staring at the New Years bonfire, knowing that I was acting like I would if things stayed the way they were right now. If I stay on my meds, and stay the way I am "in my head" right now, this is how I will act on the outside. I am embarrassing to others.

I jumped from a moving golf cart tonight, because I thought my boyfriend was leaving my oldest son behind. I have left my son behind before (metaphorically). While I have continued on with my life and done everything to get my other two children back, and be a part of their childhoods... I left him behind. I left him to be tortured and I added to it. I would call him just often enough to remind him that he was loved by someone out there who could do nothing to rescue him. That he was truly alone.

So now, as always, all I can do is throw myself helplessly into the street and cry out like a woman possessed by a spirit or demon. In actuality, I am a stupid American possessed by alcohol and a conscience.

New focus for a New Year

Welcome to my new and improved Blog, "Rocky Road with Nuts". My name is Robin. I have been told from a very young age that I should write a book about my life, and the note-worthy events just don't stop. Some people grow up in one place, go to one school, have a close family, have the same friends; their whole lives. Then, there are people like me.

  I did not live in the same place for the first   year of my life! My father was in the US Navy, and I was born in San Diego, Southern California. After I was born, he was transferred to the recruiting office in Chico, Northern California. My parents didn't want a child, so every move that was made after my birth was against their will, and I accept that. I know how hard it is to be a willing parent, I can not imagine how horrible it must feel to have it forced on you by a sense of obligation.

   When I was in Willow Springs at 15, my father and his mother were called in for family counseling sessions with me. I recall in one session, my father declared adamantly that I had been a planned birth, and that I was very wanted. Even at 15 years old, I was wondering, "Who are you really trying to convince? Who's benefit are you lying for? You aren't making me feel any better, I already know the truth, and my opinion of you is tanked; so, why?"  This is the same man who never believed that I was raped the year before. His words were, "Young lady, don't ruin a young man's life because you made a decision you can't live with." My father and I didn't speak for 16 years, and he has not met my younger two children. Any questions?

   This is why my blog was given its name. I have lived life down a very "rocky road".

I have never been one to take the easy way to anything. I am a trial-n-error, seat-of-my-pants, hangin' on by a thread kinda girl! I am a Jack of all trades - master of none, or some would call me vagabond. I go from place to place, learning new things all the time, I have a difficult personality to pin down (now defined as Borderline Personality Disorder)  which is where the nuts come in.

   On the serious - I have had a tough, but interesting existence. I definitely have chosen the paths less traveled. Members of my family do suffer from mental illness, including me. I fully believe that my mental illnesses are a combination of genetic predispositions and traumatic triggers. I have suffered, and I have survived. I have seen what proper use of medications, healthy, mindful living, and therapy can do when you what it to work. I am beginning Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in January, and beginning this blog is part of my commitment to doing things that I love, because I love them.

I'm 38 years old now. My children are all solidly in their teens and are becoming independent thinkers with plans for their own futures. I am delighted with the people they are becoming. They are rebellious and make stupid mistakes, and I just throw my arms around them and tell them how much like me they are. Then I tell them, "I must now smack you upside the head for your stupidity, my child." They bow their head, I smack them upside it, and tell them the extent of their grounding. We have a clearly defined parent/child relationship with a side of developing friendship. I think we have found  our perfect balance.

   There is so much that I want to talk about that my mind is going faster than my fingers could ever fly, and I am pretty slick on a keyboard! I want to get into politics , finances, religion... all the down and dirty. For now, suffice it to say that I have a lot to write about.