Happy New Year!!!

I was racing up the hill with reason, and I simply MUST tell you why. I was staring at the New Years bonfire, knowing that I was acting like I would if things stayed the way they were right now. If I stay on my meds, and stay the way I am "in my head" right now, this is how I will act on the outside. I am embarrassing to others.

I jumped from a moving golf cart tonight, because I thought my boyfriend was leaving my oldest son behind. I have left my son behind before (metaphorically). While I have continued on with my life and done everything to get my other two children back, and be a part of their childhoods... I left him behind. I left him to be tortured and I added to it. I would call him just often enough to remind him that he was loved by someone out there who could do nothing to rescue him. That he was truly alone.

So now, as always, all I can do is throw myself helplessly into the street and cry out like a woman possessed by a spirit or demon. In actuality, I am a stupid American possessed by alcohol and a conscience.

New focus for a New Year

Welcome to my new and improved Blog, "Rocky Road with Nuts". My name is Robin. I have been told from a very young age that I should write a book about my life, and the note-worthy events just don't stop. Some people grow up in one place, go to one school, have a close family, have the same friends; their whole lives. Then, there are people like me.

  I did not live in the same place for the first   year of my life! My father was in the US Navy, and I was born in San Diego, Southern California. After I was born, he was transferred to the recruiting office in Chico, Northern California. My parents didn't want a child, so every move that was made after my birth was against their will, and I accept that. I know how hard it is to be a willing parent, I can not imagine how horrible it must feel to have it forced on you by a sense of obligation.

   When I was in Willow Springs at 15, my father and his mother were called in for family counseling sessions with me. I recall in one session, my father declared adamantly that I had been a planned birth, and that I was very wanted. Even at 15 years old, I was wondering, "Who are you really trying to convince? Who's benefit are you lying for? You aren't making me feel any better, I already know the truth, and my opinion of you is tanked; so, why?"  This is the same man who never believed that I was raped the year before. His words were, "Young lady, don't ruin a young man's life because you made a decision you can't live with." My father and I didn't speak for 16 years, and he has not met my younger two children. Any questions?

   This is why my blog was given its name. I have lived life down a very "rocky road".

I have never been one to take the easy way to anything. I am a trial-n-error, seat-of-my-pants, hangin' on by a thread kinda girl! I am a Jack of all trades - master of none, or some would call me vagabond. I go from place to place, learning new things all the time, I have a difficult personality to pin down (now defined as Borderline Personality Disorder)  which is where the nuts come in.

   On the serious - I have had a tough, but interesting existence. I definitely have chosen the paths less traveled. Members of my family do suffer from mental illness, including me. I fully believe that my mental illnesses are a combination of genetic predispositions and traumatic triggers. I have suffered, and I have survived. I have seen what proper use of medications, healthy, mindful living, and therapy can do when you what it to work. I am beginning Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in January, and beginning this blog is part of my commitment to doing things that I love, because I love them.

I'm 38 years old now. My children are all solidly in their teens and are becoming independent thinkers with plans for their own futures. I am delighted with the people they are becoming. They are rebellious and make stupid mistakes, and I just throw my arms around them and tell them how much like me they are. Then I tell them, "I must now smack you upside the head for your stupidity, my child." They bow their head, I smack them upside it, and tell them the extent of their grounding. We have a clearly defined parent/child relationship with a side of developing friendship. I think we have found  our perfect balance.

   There is so much that I want to talk about that my mind is going faster than my fingers could ever fly, and I am pretty slick on a keyboard! I want to get into politics , finances, religion... all the down and dirty. For now, suffice it to say that I have a lot to write about.