I was racing up the hill with reason, and I simply MUST tell you why. I was staring at the New Years bonfire, knowing that I was acting like I would if things stayed the way they were right now. If I stay on my meds, and stay the way I am "in my head" right now, this is how I will act on the outside. I am embarrassing to others.
I jumped from a moving golf cart tonight, because I thought my boyfriend was leaving my oldest son behind. I have left my son behind before (metaphorically). While I have continued on with my life and done everything to get my other two children back, and be a part of their childhoods... I left him behind. I left him to be tortured and I added to it. I would call him just often enough to remind him that he was loved by someone out there who could do nothing to rescue him. That he was truly alone.
So now, as always, all I can do is throw myself helplessly into the street and cry out like a woman possessed by a spirit or demon. In actuality, I am a stupid American possessed by alcohol and a conscience.
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